


Hats Off

by ixiepixie



Series: A Game of Cards and Chess [4]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Cardverse, Comedy, M/M, kind of a crackfic tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26395078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ixiepixie/pseuds/ixiepixie
Summary: A true war for the ages between Spades and Diamonds.
Relationships: America/England (Hetalia)
Series: A Game of Cards and Chess [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1081596
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	Hats Off

**Author's Note:**

> Look at me, vanishing since March and coming back with absolute garbage comedy.
> 
> Enjoy~☆

Oh no.

That was the only thought to enter Alfred's head when Francis came into their diplomacy room for the usual tea and talks between their Kingdoms. Sure, any time his own Queen and lover, Arthur, saw the man was bad news, but today was worse. Much worse.

Francis strolled into the room as usual, but something was different. Instead of his usual gaudy crown, he had on a hat. A hat that was almost the same as Arthur's usual choice in headwear.

But it was bigger.

Not too much bigger, but oh that wasn't the point. Alfred could feel Arthur's hand tense in his own, and he knew that meant a fight was about to start. Jokers below, he hoped this didn't end in another war. The last one had been ridiculous enough, but at least it was just a simple pillow fight. That he could handle, it was safe and predictable. This hat was all new territory for them, however, and that is what terrified Alfred the most.

"Mes Amis, I see you cannot look away from my latest fashion statement~! Do tell me what you think, I love to hear all admirers opinions." Francis hung the bait low, right in Arthur's face.

Fuck, and Arthur took it.

"I was just about to ask what poor creature you murdered and slapped together to create that monstrosity, actually." Arthur calmly sipped his tea, but Alfred knew he was silently fuming, "Or are you just attempting to copy my style to get on my good side today?"

"Your style? That pitiful little relic of a bygone era that stays lopsided on your untamed mop of hair?" Francis began the taunts subtly, but it wouldn't be long before pure insults were thrown, "I am surprised you think so. My hat is obviously a testament to the latest in Diamond's fashion. Everyone is wearing them. The bigger the better."

"Oh, well I'm surprised you didn't go for a larger one then, to cover that fat head of yours."

"Are you saying you could do better? A boring, bookish old man such as you has no true sense of fahion!"

"Oh you're going to eat those words, you slimy piece of shi-"

Alfred jumped in before it could get too far. "HEY! I just realized, we're all here! Let's get started, shall we?"

Their own Jack, Yao, as well as Vash, Jack of Diamonds, both agreed and began talking about politics and trade as if nothing had even just happened. Another normal meeting with Diamonds then.

Or so he had thought.

Weeks passed, and the next meeting was coming up soon, Alfred dreading every second of it. What would they fight about this time, he wondered as he entered the diplomacy room. He sat and began to sip his own coffee, needing the boost of caffeine to get him through the inevitable new fight that would be picked today.

Arthur entered the room and Alfred spit his drink out all over their paperwork.

Sitting on Arthur's head today was a hat much like his old one, but it was bigger. Even bigger than the one Francis had worn. It was basically the size of an ordinary top hat that most nobles tended to wear, though it retained its Royal Spadien Blue and Violet colors. Arthur smirked, and Alfred could only take that to mean that he intended for his hat to be shocking. A maid began to clean the mess on the table, though Al noticed her eyes always seemed to come back to the hat. It was so damn distracting seeing his Queen with a new hat, especially one this size. The little feathers on the side were a nice touch, he admitted quietly to himself.

"Uh, nice hat sweetheart. Did you just feel like changing it up or-"

"That Frog is going to eat his hat when he sees how much bigger mine is!"

Ah, so that's what this was. Alfred resisted the urge to slam his head on the table, instead opting to drink his coffee quietly until the others arrived. Queen Lily seemed to share Alfred's reaction, nearly tripping over her dress when she had caught sight of Arthur's hat. Vash did the same as Yao, pinching the bridge of his nose like he knew this would happen. Al could feel Arthur's anticipation for when Francis would inevitably come through the door. Oh he had such a bad feeling about this.

Oh but it wasn't Francis that stepped through the door initially. It was a monstrosity of feathers and fabric, all jewel encrusted and gaudy as the diamond trees of Elysium, the afterlife. Francis was under that disaster somewhere, a smirk on his lips. He'd anticipated Arthur's new hat, oh he was good. Alfred could feel Arthur's rage, and he attempted to quietly calm his Queen to no avail.

"What the absolute FUCK is that thing on your head, Bonnefoy??" Arthur clenched his teeth, hissing out, "You cannot be serious."

"I see you took my fashion advice and got a new hat, mon cher, but it is... sadly lacking. The newest style to come out of my home is magnificent, no?" The man even twirled, just to piss Arthur off more.

Alfred slumped into his seat as the insults began, rubbing his temples. This was going to be a long war, he could feel it.

Months passed, and Alfred once again found himself dreading the coming meeting. This hat war was getting ridiculous. It had even cut into his and Arthur's sex life, which had Al more than a little miffed about it all. Arthur would spend nights working on the stupid next hat instead of coming to bed with his King. Oh, but Alfred wouldn't dare disrupt his Queen during one of these mini-wars. That was damn near impossible anyways. Arthur was always so determined and focused, something that Al absolutely loved about his husband sometimes... and despised other times.

The monstrous creation of the day that Arthur wore had a brim wider than his shoulders, with jeweled tassels hanging off it like a fringe. The damn thing towered so high that his Queen had to duck under the door just to get into the room for their meeting. Various silks and chiffons wrapped around the middle of the hat, making an almost tent like shape down the sides, draping over the brim as waterfalls of fabric. Feathers in blue and white jutted out from the sides, hitting Alfred's face. Ugh, one got in his mouth as Arthur turned to sit.

Overall, it was the biggest hat yet, and there had been some damn big ones during their little war. Francis had once worn one entirely made of tulle and lace; making an almost veil like hat, while Arthur had made one from the skull and antlers of a deer, adorning them with magic talismans. It had been intended to look like one of Spade's most deadly mythological creatures. Yeah Alfred had trouble sleeping after that one, and Francis had looked like he was going to faint for the whole meeting.

Vash and Lily entered first, followed by Francis. No hat, no giant makeshift fashion statement. Just Francis with his usual crown, and a sly smirk on his lips. Oh no.

"My, what a large hat you have." He cooed, like a hunter tempting Arthur into a trap.

Would Arthur take the bait this time?

"Yes, it is rather large and ridiculous, isn't it?" Arthur seemed calm, what the hell was going on here? "Much like your ego. It hardly suits a man such as I."

Arthur removed his over the top hat and tossed it, knocking over a vase when it landed. He didn't even flinch, and Alfred was in shock. Arthur quietly removed his original tiny hat, clipping it to his hair once more. 

"Shall we begin?"

Alfred was speechless, so he simply nodded his head. "Right, um, so about that new trade deal with Hearts-"

And so the meeting went on as usual. No jibes, no fights, not even a wink in each other's direction. Alfred was suspicious, but he wasn't going to question it until they went to bed, where he could be alone with Arthur.

That night, Alfred crawled into bed, hovering over Arthur quietly.

"Okay, spill it. Why suddenly end the feud? You never end one of your spats that fast." Al questioned, getting only a smirk in response.

"Oh love, you'll hear about it in the morning. For now, I've been missing your nightly touch~."

Alfred wasn't about to argue with that, and allowed Arthur to pull him in.

When morning came, Alfred knew exactly what had happened. He could see Francis's ship in the harbor, a large orange and yellow hat adorning its mast, almost like a sail. He then turned his attention to the shipyard of the Spadien Royal Navy, and almost spit out his coffee once more.

"You see, love, a true gentleman doesn't give up so easy. No, he simply waits for the right moment to strike." Arthur huffed, "Call me boring and bookish, will he? I think not."

The sails of the Navy shipyard had all been woven together, adorned and fashioned into a large hat shape, practically covering the whole fleet.

Francis could be heard cursing in Diamond's national language from all over the castle that morning. Alfred watched in awe as his beautiful, wonderful, completely insane Queen merely sipped his tea.

Gentleman indeed.


End file.
